I have once again found myself struggling. My camping trip to Seattle was largely a success. I passed through Everett without experiencing PTSD symptoms and had a good time, though in the process I made the untimely realization that I’m in no state to be emotionally intimate with another human being and that I cannot bring myself to trust a new person. There are two non-family members that I currently trust, both of whom have proven themselves reliable and trustworthy time and time again. Unfortunate, though, that I am unable to form that trust in another person currently.
This led to me hurting someone who did/does not deserve to be hurt. I thought I was ready for more than I was, and it ultimately ended up negatively affecting someone who truly seems to be a great person. I can only speak from my end of things.
Hurting people goes directly against what I still live for: to keep people safe. I gave up on myself nearly 16 years ago. The whole schizoaffective disorder bipolar type thing messed up my ability to live for myself, which is probably a major contributor to my executive dysfunction, among other things. So as a result, hurting someone, especially someone who doesn’t deserve it, hurt me significantly as well.
This was about two weeks ago. I am tempted to drink as a method of self-punishment nearly every day but, so long as I have no excuse, am able to resist the urge. When I feel the urge to otherwise self-harm, I remember a promise I made to one of my closest friends 7 years ago: that I wouldn’t hurt myself. It hurts not to hurt myself, but I can’t break that promise. I just repeat to myself that the urge will end eventually, and I just have to hold out until it does.
I don’t mean to make myself the victim in this situation either; I’m simply giving an update from my end. I took my antidepressants for a few days this last week, which turned things around more than I expected. Just goes to show that my psychiatrist really does know his stuff. It’s weird to me to think of how bleak things seem now–and yet how much worse they always seemed before the lithium and before my current psychiatrist.
Today I experienced an emotional disturbance that I will not detail here. For once, I was able to successfully use DBT skills–namely one-mindfulness, surprisingly enough, and letting myself feel emotions as well as non-catastrophize–to work through the situation and continue with my day. That was a huge dopamine boost.
I’m considering making the next post about PTSD. I have a rather uneducated experience with it though, so I’d like to do more research so I can properly represent it from a more clinical position as well as my personal one, especially since the source of mine is a bit unorthodox–though PTSD can be caused by more than the three primary sources covered by the DSM-5.
Stay tuned…
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