I’ve had a rather turbulent year so far, emotionally speaking. I had a few depressive episodes–in February, in April, and in June. These were somewhat related to events in my life, but they were largely inflated by the bipolar aspect of my illnesses. A few weeks ago, something changed.
I tend to have more depressions than manias. I always have; it’s typical of bipolar II, which is related to my mood symptoms from schizoaffective disorder. My depressions are long and severe, crippling me to the point that I can’t get out of bed. But I have bipolar, not just depression, which means I also experience manias–or hypomanias, rather.
I had a hypomanic episode last year that lasted for a few months. I did some things that I probably wouldn’t do ordinarily, and I ran myself ragged being social and active. People who have bipolar often experience a seasonal relation between depression and mania. During winter months, they tend to get more depressed; once spring and summer come around, they have mania. I seem to experience that to a degree, though my hypomania took until July to hit. Maybe that’s normal too though.
During this last hypomania, which started approximately three weeks ago, I achieved a few things. Firstly, I started streaming on Twitch, something I’ve been wanting to do but have been too wimpy to get around to it. I stayed up late editing things and clipping gaming videos. I also managed to post regularly to my writing Patreon for a couple weeks, though I’ve been slacking on that the last week because of my upcoming New York trip (I’m currently writing this at the Minneapolis airport during my layover).
I also almost side-swiped a car while I was driving due to sheer negligence. I was staying up until 2am and waking up at 5am for a while, and I didn’t feel tired. I was so energetic, and I felt like I was on top of the world; unstoppable, unshakable, invincible. I’d already been tentatively thinking it was hypomania before the car incident. After that, I realized what was happening.
I let it go for a few days, but the thing about manias is… they always end in a big crash. Your neurotransmitters are going crazy in your head, you’re wearing yourself out because you feel so high, and eventually the neurotransmitters burn out and you feel the exhaustion, you feel depressed. Manias always end in a crash. The higher and longer the mania, the worse the crash. Mine was just a hypomania; but my baseline is already so low, and my depressions are so severe, that I decided a crash was not something I’d want.
I ended up calling my psychiatrist to ask him what to do. Because it was over a weekend, he had me take double my lithium (mood stabilizer) despite my CKD with plans to have an immediate appointment before my trip to figure out a long-term plan.
He’s now put me on Vraylar. Vraylar is an antipsychotic–most antipsychotics are used to treat bipolar disorder, as many of them also function in stabilizing mood. My psychiatrist described Vraylar as a next generation Abilify, which I’ve tried in the past for the psychotic side of my schizoaffective disorder. It caused urinary issues, so they took me off of it and moved to a different antipsychotic. He also said that Abilify doesn’t work as well for mood stabilizing as Vraylar, and he expects better results out of it than he would Abilify. He also increased my lithium by a bit–less than 900mg, which was over the weekend, and more than 450mg, which was my most recent dose. I’m currently taking 600mg of lithium until we see how the Vraylar works for me. He’s also tapering me off of Lamictal, since it doesn’t seem to do much.
Vraylar, like some other antipsychotics, can cause you to have “ants in your pants” syndrome, a side effect that makes you need to squirm and move. I expect it’s almost like restless leg syndrome except more advanced. Antipsychotics always have the potential to help… but he made a point to say that they can always make things worse too. We’re hoping my trip goes fine with my current pill cocktail.
I’m still coming down from my hypomanic episode. It felt like my mood just kept going up and up. It was wonderful, addicting. But I know it always ends in a crash. Always.
Rory's Write Place 