Personal Update – This is How I’m Doing

Well, it’s been a minute since my last post. A lot has happened but also nothing much has happened. I was feeling improvement overall. I’ve been taking 300mg clozapine every night. I have fewer intrusive thoughts and hallucinations than I used to before the clozapine. However, it doesn’t seem to be doing a whole lot for my mood. I have spent the last week or two sitting in front of the heater, listening to music. I need to be productive, but I’m still caught in this depression, which I believe is largely situational. Luckily, my best friend has my back. He and my family help it not hurt so much, but it’s still not where I’d like to be.

A quick summary of how things have been. My love life is complicated, and I won’t go into detail with that on here past saying it’s complicated. What else is new, right? It’ll work itself out eventually. Maybe I just have bad taste in men?

One thing that disappointed me: My own dad didn’t even text me on Christmas. Before that, the last I’d heard from him was in September. I can count on one hand the number of conversations he and I had last year. I guess at least he reached out on New Years, with one text. Call me crazy, but it’s never been just my responsibility to be the one to reach out to my dad. He reads my blog I think, so… sorry for calling you out, Dad. I swear to god, if you blame my mom for what I say about you and your absence in my life… you’d better not do it around me.

Anyway, enough with my daddy issues.

Some of my side effects from clozapine are still troublesome–namely the urinary incontinence and constipation. And my limbs kind of twitch and jerk around randomly, with a sort of zap in my head, like I’m temporarily stunned. I’m supposed to drink more water, as that should help. I’m still having some difficulties with coherent thoughts, but that’s been improving as I go up on the clozapine.

I’ve been able to read lately. I finished Redemption Prep by Samuel Miller, and I’ve started Ender’s Game. It’s been years since I’ve been able to read like this. The same can be said about watching a movie. It was only like 90 minutes, but Pokemon: The First Movie is one of the first movies I’ve watched all the way through by myself of my own volition. I had noticed a reduction in my ability to focus, but now that it’s being treated… It feels like a good milestone.

I’ve also noticed fewer thoughts of suicide and self-harm. I always wondered how exactly a medication could influence thought like this–they always warn you of suicidal thoughts as a side effect of medications and all. And here it is, I just don’ t think about death as much as I used to.

I’m trying to get back into streaming and recording, which I kind of took a break from. If you want to support me in those endeavors, give me a follow on Twitch and on YouTube–the links are found at the top and bottom of this page or on my “about me” page.

I’ve been trying to write more for my Patreon as well. I write poems and short stories on there. That link can also be found at the top and bottom of this page or on my “about me” page.

So I guess all in all, I’m not doing too poorly right now. It’s just easy to do nothing. I need to start doing things again.

I will start doing things again.