Another long period without an update. I’ve been waiting to see how things settle, trying to figure out what to do next. Since stopping clozapine, I have had auditory hallucinations on a few occasions, typically sounding as general crowd noise, where I can’t pick out any individual words, but I just hear people talking. The first time happened when I was in Athens, and I almost thought that I was just hearing the streets below, but it was so heavy and close to my ears that, when it happened a second time, I realized it was in my head. Beside that, I haven’t had many psychosis symptoms, thankfully.
On the trip to Italy and Greece, I was almost hypomanic. I was very social and outgoing, very talkative, very engaged. It almost made me question whether I’m an introvert or extravert, since I usually need time to myself to recover – but after getting home, that became clear again. Anyway, my depression had lifted for a brief two weeks.
When we got back home, I dove into streaming and writing. It was going well, and I was so engaged and occupied that I simply didn’t have time to think about the situational issues. If I stopped for even a minute, the thoughts and feelings would start to creep in, so I just went nonstop for the whole day from when I woke up to when I fell asleep. While falling asleep, the depression would return, but as long as I didn’t stop…
Alas, Missoula experienced a severe thunderstorm with winds up to 109mph or so. Our power was out for 18 hours, meaning our wifi was out, and meaning I couldn’t stream or even game at all. I could write, which I did for a while, but my schedule was disrupted, and I wasn’t able to occupy myself so well. During that, I fell back into the rut yet again.
I had started working through Rover again – boarding dogs, house sitting for people, drop-ins on dogs or cats at a person’s home, doggy daycare, or walking dogs. I did it for a few weeks, but it became too much for me yet again.
I’ve been writing this post over the course of a couple weeks, trying to decide what I need to say. These are kind of more like personal journals at this point than anything else. I don’t even know if anyone still reads them, but I write them anyway.
Past the medication changes, my emotional updates, and my repeated failure at working, I now have dates for appointments relating to my SSI case. When someone applies for SSI, the Social Security Administration has the choice of ordering an evaluation by one of their own doctors to “dispute” someone’s doctors’ claims on their ability to function. First, they ordered a physical evaluation, which I don’t totally understand since I’m applying due to mental disabilities, but I did list some of my residual symptoms due to Chiari malformation, so maybe they’re trying to dispute my balance and coordination issues, headaches, and strenuous activity limitations? Or it could just be standard to order a physical evaluation. Then they did order a psych eval as well, which will be the real kicker. My attorney told me to keep an eye on the clock when the doctor is with me. Sometimes they take you seriously, sometimes they only stay with you for fewer than ten minutes. Rarely they will be supportive, according to my attorney. I just have to show up and cooperate. Show them the truth. I’ve been in a downward spiral anyway, it won’t take much for me to show them how bad it is, if I’m honest with them. I tend to present well, I put on a mask before I see people, but I just have to… not do that.
We’ll see how it goes at those appointments late September.
Rory's Write Place 