A large proportion of people on medication start to resent their medication at some point. Their need for it in order to properly function or to stay alive, the side effects they cause, the inconvenient allowances one has to make because of their medication.
Some diagnoses tend to go cold turkey (stop taking without their doctor’s approval or tapering properly) their medication more often than others – two of those being bipolar and schizophrenia. An effective medication will allow someone taking it to feel like they don’t need it anymore or that it shouldn’t be controlling their life, and then they go cold turkey, which is dangerous. I’ve done this three times, all with disastrous results.
After the last time ended with me experiencing a full-blown manic episode followed by a severe crash for months and the final destruction of my college career. I stopped going to classes or leaving my room, lost all the friends I’d made, not to mention how it affected me in the head. I had to tell my doctor what I’d done, which was awkward and depressing. I promised myself I wouldn’t go cold turkey again because it never has a positive result.
When you’re mentally ill, there are hoops you have to jump through just to maintain a semblence of functionality. You have to do this, can’t do that. Most if not all psychiatric medications warn you not to drink alcohol while taking the medication, for example. I’ve stopped caring, which may not be my best decision, because I’m just so done with jumping through all these hoops just to still not be able to participate in society. Schizophrenics generally have to be careful with drugs like marijuana, though indica is typically safer than sativa. I don’t know much more than that because I’ve always stuck to these rules of what you should and shouldn’t do when you have my diagnoses. And psychedelics? Forget it, I’m fairly certain that’s supposed to be a no-go.
I’m so done with doing all of this stuff that I’m “supposed” to do. I know it’s a bad line of thinking and a very slippery slope, but honestly? I kind of want to just do whatever like so many other people get to do. I already know that, yes, not everyone else gets to do whatever, I’m not the only one. But that doesn’t help me. I’m trying to do things right, and it’s still not enough. I feel like I’m slipping, and there isn’t anything that can stop me except for negative consequences, which could be really bad. I’m not the only person who feels like this because of all the special things they have to do simply because they’re mentally ill even though they didn’t ask for it. No one who’s mentally ill asked for what they got.
So far I’ve managed to resist the urge to just give up. It’s an endless battle in my mind, to either keep up with this angel act or to just give up and live, because what I’m doing right now isn’t really living. And I’m sick of it.
That being said, I don’t want anyone worrying about me. I’m mostly just venting in what I consider to be a safe space where some people might come to find something to relate to or learn from. I’m not the only one, and I know that. Someone reading this might feel the same way, and maybe it will help them to know that what they feel isn’t inherently wrong, and it doesn’t say anything bad about them as a person. Jumping through all these hoops simply because you’re mentally ill, just like it would for physical illnesses, is debilitating sometimes, and it makes one feel broken because there’s only one path they can take – following their doctor’s orders, taking their right medications, doing this or that to keep themselves safe. I’m sick of keeping myself safe, but I will continue to do so for as long as I can.
Rory's Write Place 