Today marks my 25th birthday. It’s not that I didn’t expect to make it here exactly, but… I certainly did see it being different. It sucks to have grown up not being able to function and still not having figured it out yet. But at least throughout all of my health problems, I’ve had my mom. I’ve had my brother and sister. My grandparents. At least, even though parts of my life have been heartbreakingly sad, there are those parts that aren’t.
On my 24th birthday, I’d just started the lithium. I was noticing improvements that I’d never experienced before. So, full of hope, I said, “Maybe this year will be my year.” And in many ways, it was. I did experience a bit of a heartbreak near the beginning, and that kind of bled throughout the summer, but for the first time since 2014 when I moved to Missoula, I made some friends. I’d had a few sort-of friends from the semester of high school I did here, and I hope they’re not offended if they’re reading this–but I never felt close to any of them, never felt like I belonged, even though they tried. So in May of 2022, I made some of my first friends in 8 years, and I reconnected with old friends from before 2014 too. And that led to the best summer of my life. I actually talked to people, went out and spent time with people. Found out I like electronic shows and bar bingo. I also made friends through my DBT program.
I graduated the DBT group late 2022. While a lot of the skills felt like things I already did but with more structure, I think cementing them in in a group setting, with the addition of the lithium, helped me a lot. I think what helped me that they might not mention was the sense of identity I found. I always felt like I was just a blank slate in my own head. Didn’t know who I was, I couldn’t tell you a thing about myself. But the group helped me find my identity, whether it was just the return of being in a social setting or if it was something more. I graduated group last year and officially ended my DBT treatment just last month.
If you read my blog regularly, you’ll probably know of my more recent personal updates about these last mood cycling and depressive episodes in January and February. Those are the only two major episodes I’ve had in the last year–and they were both relatively short compared to what they used to be. My psychiatrist has accomplished something I didn’t think was possible anymore: I’ve gotten to experience what it’s like to be stable and largely emotionally “normal”.
I rekindled a lost relationship that seems to be healthier and more stable than it used to be. He’s a good guy, and he’s always there for me, even when it’s stupid and I know it. A couple of days ago I started crying a bunch because I realized that I think I can trust him not to just walk away. After we keep coming back to each other after what we’ve been through and where things have been resting for the last several months, I think it might actually work with this one.
I’ve been somewhat keeping up with my gaming YouTube channel, which has grown all the way up to 96 subscribers. I know it’s not a lot, but it’s more than I had a few months ago, or even just a few weeks ago. My writing hasn’t grown really; I’ve gained some followers on Instagram, and my excerpts average about 5-6 likes on there, which is better than it used to be. But I still only have 3 patrons on my Patreon, which is disheartening, especially considering my tiers are cheap to encourage accessibility. The rest of my social media has been stagnating too, no matter how active I am. Maybe I just have a boring personality and say nothing interesting? Who knows.
Anyway, all in all, it’s been a pretty good year. One of the best since I was, like, 5 or 6 maybe? Money has been tight, which is unfortunate. I won’t really be getting any gifts for this birthday I assume. Oh well. I get to have dinner with one of my friends from DBT and her daughter at my favorite restaurant today, and I’ll have dinner with my mom and brother tomorrow (I think?) when he’s able to come out to the house. I think my mom feels bad about how little she can do this year. So to Mom: It really is fine. I like objects, but as is the common theme throughout my life, they’re not the focus of any event. We’ll get that PC someday, when others stop needing help, when the furnace stops going out, when we fix my car, when we manage to feed the fat kittens, when we… haha. Like I’ve said, I don’t know if our internet service would allow me to stream very smoothly anyway. I have to call the provider and get them back out here.
If you want to make my 25th birthday special, check out and maybe subscribe to my YouTube channel. It costs nothing but a few moments, maybe longer if you decide to watch a video or two (my ability to talk has gotten a lot better in the more recent ones). The link can be found on my helpful links page. You can also find my Patreon on there, if you’re maybe willing to toss in $1/mo or $5/mo to get some quality writings (and more, with the $5/mo tier) from me. I’m currently writing a short story about time travel and the consequences of trying to alter the future. I’m also reimagining my first novel, The Door’s Shadow, in a short story series format, which has proven a little challenging for me. And I welcome it. I have a few short stories on there focused on mental health issues, and I plan to write more on that subject. If you feel really bad for me, feel free to toss some money directly at me, ayy, haha.
Thanks for reading my year in reflection and spending some time with me on my birthday. Remember to express to people that you love them and be kind. Social interactions are very delicate; with a little bit of consideration, a lot of conflict can be avoided. Stay safe.
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