In my last post, I discussed the short-term effects of being taken off of the lithium. At my latest appointment, we reduced the lithium further to only 300mg a day with the intention of getting me completely off, due to concern about my creatinine levels (from my psychiatrist’s point of view).
I’ve been thrown through some emotional loops in the last two weeks as well. I’ve mentioned my guy several times throughout this blog–turns out he hasn’t really been “my guy” for a while now, and he finally expressed his lack of interest in me a couple of weeks ago. So he’s been leading me on for months, which has hurt significantly. I’d rather not go into details past that and don’t wish for bad things onto him.
I’ve been fairly depressed. Not as depressed as I would expect–probably due to my massive dose of mood stabilizers, the lurasidone (Latuda) and the remaining lithium–but still depressed enough to have fallen behind on writing (right after promising to be more consistent, of course) and my gaming videos.
That leads to the discouragement I’ve felt there too. As I’ve stated before, I am unable to work a job. I literally can’t. I wish I could. Without being able to function properly or being self-sufficient, I feel totally useless. I grew up without having much money. I was painfully aware of our bills and low income from a very young age. Now, I feel awful not being able to bring anything in. I have my Patreon, which gives me $10/month, but that’s not enough to make much of a difference. I don’t have enough subscribers or watch hours yet on YouTube to make any money from that either. The people who do enjoy my content should be enough for me to not feel this way–but they’re not. I feel useless.
This is not helped by “my guy” officially leaving me. I feel like, with the last two long-term relationships I’ve had, once they start to improve themselves or their lives, they see me going nowhere. And I’m unable to go anywhere. So they leave. I’m not unlovable, but… I’m useless. What I want is not what I need. I don’t want someone to coddle me or take care of me. I want someone to gently push me. One of my last relationships was like that, but naturally I gave up on him because he wasn’t changing. By the time he did, he realized I wasn’t, so he gave up on me. A vicious cycle that I’ve found myself in with the last two. And I know it’s not 100% my fault… But it makes me feel like shit.
I can’t do things. And that’s what’s been on my mind for the last couple weeks.
On the bright side, my tremor has greatly improved on the reduced lithium. Working on my 3D puzzle has been significantly easier. I’ve also been more focused, more clear-headed. I’m able to route my way to familiar places without getting confused. The urinary symptoms have slightly improved, though my psychiatrist believes they may not be entirely due to the lithium but rather a deeper issue. We’re waiting to see how things go after reducing the lithium before he recommends I see my urologist again.
Some things are bad right now. I know that with the things I’m trying to do, it’s a long-haul effort. I need to keep working on it, consistently, if I want to get anywhere. I’m worried I’ll crash–I’m bad with consistency–but we’ll see. At least my mood still seems mostly stabilized, even if it is pretty depressed, in this situation. Maybe someday I will recover enough to work a job, who knows. Maybe by then I’ll be doing enough with what I’m doing now. Only time will tell.