Personal Update – Improvements

In my last post, I said that I would be starting clozapine. As of now, I’ve been titrating up on my dose for about three weeks. I started with 12.5mg at night; right now, I’m taking 50mg in the morning and another 72.5mg at night.

First impressions: my psychiatrist warned me that it would have strong sedating side effects. I have noticed that I have more trouble getting up in the morning, but throughout the day, I’m mostly awake–my limbs might feel heavy for a while here and there, which sometimes calls for a nap.

Another side effect I’ve been struggling with is urinary incontinence, which I’ve experienced with antipsychotics before. My psychiatrist prescribed a medication to treat that, which has been effective. I’ve gained ~4 pounds, which doesn’t sound like much, but weight gain is something I’ll have to actively combat on this medication.

I typically respond to medication fairly quickly if I respond to it at all. Already, with clozapine, I’ve noticed some improvements, such as the ability to read for an extended amount of time again–something I haven’t been able to do for years now. This is a direct cognitive result of the clozapine, and almost unique to this medication as opposed to other antipsychotics, which have less of an effect in restoring cognition.

I’ve been in a somewhat emotional situation for a while now. I won’t get into details, but it’s romantic in nature and has put me in a tough spot for the last few months. I didn’t expect clozapine to make that better, but rather hoped that it would repair me enough to cope better with this situation. And that it has.

This situation had been making me want to self harm for the last several months, almost every minute of every day, sometimes pushing toward suicidal ideation. I acted on the self-harm urge at least once that I remember. Luckily, those urges have dampened as clozapine starts to take its effect.

So where am I now? Slowly titrating up on the drug, trying to form a schedule for streaming, and trying to make a rough routine for my day-to-day life. I built a new computer (thanks Mom!!) after years of things coming up where we planned to set money aside. I’m still waiting to hear back from Social Security about my SSI case, as I’m still not in a position to work a job.

I’ve been feeling and doing better, but keep in mind that I’ve been unable to work or go to school since I was around 10. The only reason it wasn’t a problem until high school is that Havre’s school administration never made a deal of it, since my grades and test scores were top of the class even with poor attendance. They also had respect for my mom, who was a single mother of three working as a college teacher. Not to mention my chronic headaches and migraines; they were willing to cut me some slack due to my chronic pain, which started being a problem around when I was 8 or 9.

Someday I might be able to work a normal job. But it’s not today. I’ve had 15+ years of being unable to consistently function. Issues with maintaining schedules, with being on time, etc. because I struggle to get out of bed to begin with. I hope it continues to get better. I still have hard days, but I’ve been able to stream semi-regularly. If you want to support me in any way, please do feel free to follow me on Twitch and subscribe on YouTube. The name for both is Kenukie, and you can find the links at the top and bottom of this page, or on my “About Me” page. It costs nothing for you but helps me out immensely.

I’ve not only just been streaming, but I’ve been writing some children’s picture books too, starring my dog Nova. I’m getting the query letter put together now, with 3/10 planned books being finished right now.

Since we’re already seeing improvement with clozapine, my psychiatrist is hopeful and optimistic that things will get even better as we reach therapeutic dose.