In my last post, I explained how BPD tends to affect relationships with others. In this one, I will go more into detail on why.
After being taken off of the antidepressants, I found myself jumping to irritability and anger more quickly and frequently than before. It was more difficult to control my reactions to things, even small things. For example, I had expected to play through a new game with my boyfriend, but he had played – just a tiny bit – without me, which ordinarily wouldn’t have been a big deal. But I couldn’t help being extraordinarily hurt, as if he had meant it as a personal insult, even though I knew he hadn’t meant it that way. It should have been fine, but I found myself almost uncontrollably being sharp and cold to the point we didn’t play at all.
That’s just one example – I also had a huge fight with my mom, whom I never fight with. I regularly snapped at those around me and started arguments, regardless of how aware of it I was. One minute I would be pushing everyone away, and the next, I would be acting as if nothing had happened. I could feel my mood shift with the slightest of triggers, and with an increase in impulsiveness, I couldn’t help but take it out on those around me.
BPD doesn’t only produce these external effects though. Those with BPD tend to have a constant feeling of emptiness within, and their attachment to their identity is very fragile. I have found myself, throughout my whole life, adjusting to those around me, not to “fit in” exactly, but… I don’t know why. I assume because my sense of self is damaged, so it’s easy to change into a more favorably-presented version of myself to those around me. Not to say that it ever let me blend in with my peers, as I’m fairly certain they all thought I was a bit odd. But when I am alone, I don’t really feel like I’m anyone at all. Perhaps that’s why I always clung onto others. Why I still do.
People with BPD will often self-harm as well, sometimes as a direct result of the empty feeling. Some do it searching for something to feel, some do it to punish themselves, some do it as what can be perceived as an “attention-grab” but is more of a desperate attempt to, most often, prove that others care and give them a sort of reassurance. In the past, mine has been a mixture of self-punishment and the longing to feel. I always wore long-sleeve shirts to hide the words I carved into my skin, and always made sure it wouldn’t break the skin, so no one would ever know. And here I am, broadcasting it to the internet. Still, I didn’t really have words to describe it then. Now that I do, and I know how many people struggle with it, I feel no shame in talking about it.
To be continued…
Rory's Write Place 