I have been nothing but honest in the disclosure of my diagnoses and experiences with them thus far, so I feel that this entry is necessary now. I talked with my psychiatrist a couple weeks ago about some symptoms, and he has diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder (BPD).
BPD is a diagnosis that people dread, as are most personality disorders. Therapists and doctors and patients alike all have difficulty treating it effectively, and it seems more like it decides when it’s done than any sort of attempts at “curing” it. It has been known to fade or worsen over time, and some people are able to function effectively despite the symptoms. But left untreated or undiagnosed, or perhaps worse misdiagnosed, it can wreak havoc on every aspect of life, especially those involving relationships with others.
Those with BPD tend to struggle with maintaining relationships due to the almost child-like turbulence of their emotions, both those in reference toward others as well as those in reference toward themselves. On the outside, it may seem a dramatic expression of narcissism. Those afflicted with BPD can have the appearance of thinking that everything is about them, even when they are fully aware of the world working around them.
Borderlines are often extremely sensitive emotionally. I know that I myself am extraordinarily sensitive, to the point of having the emotional maturity of a child. I remember hearing my mom, once, saying that I am not selfish, but that I think everything is about me. That was years ago, and I still think about it sometimes, and it still makes me feel wounded. As someone whose goal in life is to keep those around me safe, it hurts for that simple purpose to not be even remotely recognized, in fact for the exact opposite instead to be assumed. It was a seemingly innocent comment, and not one I was meant to overhear, but the passiveness of it almost makes it worse for me.
My psychiatrist recently took me off of my antidepressants in an attempt to treat the schizoaffective disorder more effectively, as it is more similar to bipolar treated by mood stabilizers than it is to depression treated by antidepressants. As it would turn out, antidepressants can be used to help with symptoms caused by BPD, and as a result, I have found that my own symptoms are considerably more noticeable in the last few weeks. They could easily be related to the depression aspect of my diagnoses, but I believe that a large part of it is the BPD. I will go more in detail in the next post.
To be continued…