Personal Update

Last week, my psychiatrist reduced my antidepressants and added in a new mood stabilizer because my mood was cycling. I felt the worst when I woke up, and it took hours to get out of bed just to get dressed. I would feel okay, then, for most of the day before crashing around 7pm, when I would go back to bed.

The bipolar aspect of my illness tends to be on the lower side of emotions, where the high point is hypomania as opposed to mania and the low point is severe, debilitating depression. There is rarely a middle ground, a neutral mood. My mood has been so unstable for so long that I had forgotten what feeling “normal” was like, if I ever knew.

The lithium carbonate has been a life-changer so far already. Yesterday, I was sad about something, but it was a “normal” sad, not the extreme depression I’m so used to. I was sad, but I was amazed because it wasn’t killing me. It was a strange sort of relief, and honestly it alone almost made me happy. Other than that, for the last few days now my mood has been stable. It feels peaceful like I never knew emotions could be.

Something people with chronic mood disorders might say is how they don’t realize just how bad it was for them until the episode has passed. I’ve gone through many depressive episodes of my life and several manic episodes, and it’s only afterward that I realize just how destructive they were to me.

The only bad thing is that I can realistically expect to crash again with no warning. Right now the medications are working wonders and will hopefully allow me to make progress in therapy that will make future crashes easier to work through, but at some point, I can expect another episode. But for now, I’m just going to enjoy the peace and try to make myself better while I can.

Published by Rawry

I'm just a writer and gamer living in the middle of nowhere..

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