Not much has changed since my last personal update. Still waiting on the cancelation list for the sleep specialist, still waking up several times a night. My heart ultrasound came back as normal, as I’d suspected. However, it’s been several showers since I’ve had the light-headedness and dizziness during a shower, so maybe whatever was flaring up with that is resolved, for now at least. Or maybe I haven’t had the water as hot, maybe I haven’t raised my arms for as long as I used to, etc.. Who knows? I guess I’ll just let it go until it becomes a problem again.
My fatigue is not any better, and in fact, I never feel that rested when I wake up. And I am aware of waking up at least three times minimum throughout the night. Since adding the doxepin to my cocktail, I seem to be able to go most of the night without having to use the bathroom, but I do still wake up several times. Usually it doesn’t take long to fall back asleep, but I still assume the disrupted sleep isn’t really good. And then in the morning, by the time my alarm goes off, I’m so tired still and feel so unmotivated I usually just stay in bed for another couple hours, drifting in and out of sleep.
I can’t tell if it’s my depression or fatigue that’s mostly contributing to my inability to get out of bed. Some days I can push through it and just get up despite my desire to stay in bed, but in the overall scheme of things, it’s too difficult to fight that urge every single day, so I end up giving in more often than not. I do feel so terribly tired, but there’s nothing to be done about that until I see the sleep specialist at the end of January, and from there probably nothing solid for several months.
As for my lingering depression… I don’t even know what to do about that. My psychiatrist added back in the antidepressant I always liked, venlafaxine (Effexor), and now I take 37.5mg every morning. But it doesn’t seem to have even slightly touched my motivation, which just seems to be getting worse as time goes on. I know I’m a bit of a nihilist, and I believe that approach to life contributes to my depression, but I don’t know how to not be a nihilist. Maybe I need a new therapist, maybe I need a different kind of therapy even, I don’t know. I see a therapist who has touched this subject with me, but nothing she’s said about the matter has gotten through to me in any meaningful way.
My psychiatrist said, last time I saw him, that I have “trauma brain.” As someone with PTSD and BPD, I believe he has a point. And he said that, due to that, motivating via fear is one of the best tools I can use for myself. Which seems wrong to me, like motivating via fear seems like such a depressing way to live, but if it works…? All I can really think is that I don’t want to keep being left behind. But even that, I’m running low on my ability to care. It’s a massive struggle.
I found a graphic I want to use in my next CPTSD post, so I’ll try to get that done and posted within the next few days. Thanks for reading!
