After stopping my antidepressants back in April, my mood stopped cycling. Once again, my psychiatrist and I decided to try lowering my lithium from 300mg to 150mg, since I was doing so well, and he would still love to get me totally off lithium. Unfortunately, I started cycling again fairly quickly, and after about a week and a half I called him and he increased me back to 300mg, saying we’ve officially found my lower limit of lithium.
For the time being, I’m doing okay. Now that my mood is more stable, I’ve been noticing a lot of fatigue that may or may not have been present before. I just feel so tired all the time, and I need a few naps throughout the day just to get by. I think it may have been present before only because I previously would need naps regularly, but I always had assumed that was due to depression – but maybe it’s something different.
The fatigue is possibly due to my medications. I’m on 8mg of haloperidol (Haldol) and 160mg of lurasidone (Latuda), both of which are known to cause fatigue, but I’ve been on these doses for such a long time now that you would have expected the side effects to get better, not worse, and the fatigue seems like it’s getting more severe. That is the max dose of Latuda, but 8mg is a relatively low dose of Haldol, as the “average” dose is 10mg or more, and I have been on these doses for months already. But on other psychiatric medications, I would frequently notice side effects that usually subside for people lingering several months into taking the medication for myself, so maybe it’s just another case of that. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and intend on asking him if he believes the fatigue could be from my cocktail. If he thinks it’s unlikely, I’m seeing my primary next month for another occipital neuralgia shot, so I’ll be able to bring it up to him just to at least have it on the record.
I have officially been approved for SSI, so that years-long struggle is finally over – for now. They’ll re-evaluate me in 3 years, and I don’t know yet what that process looks like. My attorney says I qualify for DAC (Disabled Adult Child) benefits as well since my disabilities started before my 22nd birthday, and my ALJ noted my onset date as being when I was 21, so legally I believe there’s no debate about whether or not I meet eligibility. I have a phone appointment to discuss details with the SSA on June 4th, so hopefully by July all of this jargon will be worked out and I can just relax for a bit and take a breather. Fighting the system is a lot more tiring than they’d have us believe. It’ll be a relief to not worry about losing something in the mail and actually focus on building my future, once I’m ready.
All of that being said – and yes, I’m doing fairly well right now, all things considered – I’m still struggling a lot with motivation. I started taking fish oil supplements again with the hopes that it would help bolster some dopamine receptors or something, but so far all I notice is the lemonhead taste in the back of my throat all day after taking them (they’re lemon-flavored). I still don’t seem to get really any enjoyment out of doing things, even things I previously enjoyed doing, like gaming or writing or puzzles or reading. It’s hard to focus for any length of time, and I’m still struggling with personal hygiene. I’m up to maybe two showers every week, which honestly is an improvement from where it’s been in times past, but I’d like to bump that up to three or more, and I’d like to start exercising more to help with my weight loss. I suspect my hormonal birth control is part of the reason losing weight is so hard for me, as well as my lack of physical activity. Luckily I’m on a downward trend right now with diet alone, and I’ve been cooking more regularly again. But it’s still hard to want to do these things – game, write, read, puzzle, work out, even just walking – and just not have the physical energy or mental/emotional capacity to get up and do them.
I don’t even know why I don’t. It makes me feel really bad, because there are so many things I should be doing with my life. But I just… can’t. I can’t get out of bed. It’s like I’m depressed still but without the depression. I assume part of that is the fatigue, but I don’t know if my spirit was just otherwise crushed by what I’ve been through and am still going through. I’ve been through some truly horrific mental states and sometimes I’m worried they’ve ruined any chance I have at recovery. But surely after I get some more rest, I’ll feel able to tackle more “normal” problems?
On the bright side, the Antidepressant Discontinuation Syndrome (ADS) symptoms I’d been experiencing since going off venlafaxine have ceased. They did only last for about a week or two, if I remember right, so at least that’s all settled, until the next time I go on venlafaxine, which will probably be in fall or maybe winter. Occasional ADS is worth the relief the medication brings me when my bipolar causes me to be depressed.
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